Forming Habits

I am learning so many new things everyday - mostly positive:
I know that I enjoy exercise and being challengd by my trainer. This makes me happy because before today I did not know this. I said to my husband this morning - "you know I cannot imagine not exercising!". The moment I said these words I realised this was a first. In this long journey I believe that this is a great outcome for me. I can very easily not move. It comes naturally to me and I have to usually remember to move - to exercise. The journey to now feeling that I cannot NOT exercise has come about as a result of persistence and habit forming HAVING to exercise.

There will always be the threat of going back to the old ways but as long as I am aware as I have just become today - I will consciously have to decide NOT to exercise to get to the point of feeling unfit. I still have a lot of weight to lose but today I am happy that an intrinsic part of me - (my inherent tendency to not move) has been altered (for the moment) and whats more I am aware of this.

This means that I now have one less thing to work on and can focus on maintaining this whilst getting my food and nutrition correct. I know there is tremendous room for improvement here. It feels a bit comforting to know I have one less thing to get right. Nevertheless this does not take away the importance of making sure I do not fall off the exercise bandwagon. As per a blog I read earlier today I must "check in" focussing on food improvement. This "checking in" philosophy made me realise how high a bar I set for myself each time and of course I had to fail it at some point or other and then I beat myself for it and of course got onto the food bandwagon and continued the see saw. So instead of trying to be an army general trying to bring myself into line I want to recognise the failures and learn from them and move on. I dont want to make myself the mental wreck I have been making myself but instead I will think and eat and learn from the mistakes and NOT binge.

Heres looking forward to tomorrow CARPE DIEM!

All them blogs and all

I went to gym today and exercised and it felt good as I was really pushed to the limits of my existence by my trainer. Although food was not perfect it was not rubbish either. Tomorrow will be better.

I came across dietgirls excel spreadsheet and 'borrowed it' so I could use it. I am hoping this tool will really help me. This spreadsheet automatically adds up the weekly weigh in and also tells you without having to count on all fingers and toes how much is left to go. I liked this spreadsheet and will be using it. Note: must thank dietgirl!! I find there are so many tools on dietgirls website that it feels like one has entered a treasuretrove of sorts.

Another blog i find highly inspiring is Galateas. I guess since I have a personal trainer and also like bike riding I see a few similarities already and it is such a well written blog.

Moral of the story for me is to utilise the experience of others and pick what works for me and use it to my advantage and goal achievement. Long live blog world. I just love the range of information one can exchange!!

Condensed milk...anyone????

I have gone completely off the rails the last 2 weeks. Today I almost had a tin of condensed milk...correction...I just went to the kitchen and finshed the last dregs of it...so it is done.....I have finished a whole tin of condensed milk!!! I have not done this for a while now and I had thought I had gone past all of this....but clearly not!!

I then went trawling through different blogs to get some thing to stick in my brain and one of the blogs titles Gwennie said 'I am strong, I am smart, I am fit, I am healthy' and it struck me that minus the condensed milk I did see myself as smart, fit and healthy but the difference was I did not believe it and did not display it. I tend to fall down when I am succeeding...i tend to sabotage myself. Why? no idea? maybe it is coz I do not want to believe I can succeed coz I already believe I won't and in making that my truth I dont leave space to be proven wrong? Now how is that for a head fuck?? I must be mad

I will do better tomorrow and I will write a blog tomorrow. This is my mantra for the next 24 hours... and yes I will also write my food diary on calorieking.

Cut myself slack!!!

Well there have been ups and downs all through since I last blogged. On the + side I have succeeded in getting my arse to the gym for the last 3 weeks a total of 14 times - pretty much Monday to Friday straight through - a feat I am terribly proud of and each of these sessions have been pretty much an hour and a half each time. My eating habits have been pretty much a whole lot better than before although the last week I have stuffed around and hence have no idea if I was average or really bad as I have not filled in the calorie blog. The one I use is http://www.calorieking.com.au/ . This blog got me started really well and it made me think of what I was putting in my mouth. It is great especially because it counts the calories and tells me where I am at. I found that whilst earlier I used to write my diary - it was not hugely efficient as I either put in wrong amounts or did not know the kilojoules/calories for the foods and hence probably ended up counting different calories to what I was eating. On the negative side I have slacked off writing my diary and that in my life means that when I do not want to officially feel like shit for not putting in my 100% I stop writing. I think this is because I do not want to lie in my diary and so I simply do not write. I tried counting on my fingers the items that I should have eaten less of and it is easy to count. Now I know I have been a whole lot worse before. However, I also know that now since I am keenly aware now - even moreso than before, I feel shit for losing some discipline.

My husband is taking photos of me each tuesday in the same clothes and already I notice a difference. Slight but the difference is there. This week we went to dinner at a friends place and she mentioned that I had lost weight, then another friend i met also said something similar. So people have slowly been noticing but I am having a bad day today and feel a bit dishearted as I feel all this is taking forever and wonder if my body will melt little by little and if I will ever be little???? I also ended up meeting a friend who has lost 50 odd kilos and looks like a million dollars now although she made it sound pretty easy and said that all that worked for her was positive reinforcement and she kept telling herself each time she lost weight that she was better at 115 kilos than she had been at 120 kilos. Although I dont think this would work for me, I did come away thinking I needed to give myself more credit than I do.

This weekend my husband and I went cycling to Ballarat. It was cold as..brrrrr...but then once we started cycling along the track it got better as we warmed up. Then halfway through we also shared a lovely romantic moment where we took refuge in a shelter from the rain. Here we shared a blueberry muffin (in days of old I would have gobbled a whole one myself alone!!). Then we rode back but as the bike track was new the rain made the track like sludge and it was really hard to cycle back. I burst into tears about 4 km short and my lovely husband offered to get the car. So I waited for him under a tree reading a book. Earlier I had slipped and scraped my calf and the rain and cold wind directly on wound stung and throbbed like mad. Another reason was that it was so hard to ride in the sludge that I felt that I disappointed myself by not completing the whole trip. I had thought that I was fitter and not completing the trip made me feel that my fitness levels had not changed and hence the disappointment with myself. The truth I know is that yes I am fitter but I am not at my peak. My husband found it "one and a half times harder" and his calves hurt the next morning. Thus with my wanting to lose 40 kilos ideally and 30 for the moment - 1.5 times harder would mean it would have made it feel for me as though I was carrying 16 extra kilos to what I was already carrying!!! So yes I have to cut myself some slack I think!!! So the rule for tomorrow is 1) cut myself some slack and 2) START WRITING THE BLOOMING FOOD DIARY AGAIN!