Cut myself slack!!!

Well there have been ups and downs all through since I last blogged. On the + side I have succeeded in getting my arse to the gym for the last 3 weeks a total of 14 times - pretty much Monday to Friday straight through - a feat I am terribly proud of and each of these sessions have been pretty much an hour and a half each time. My eating habits have been pretty much a whole lot better than before although the last week I have stuffed around and hence have no idea if I was average or really bad as I have not filled in the calorie blog. The one I use is http://www.calorieking.com.au/ . This blog got me started really well and it made me think of what I was putting in my mouth. It is great especially because it counts the calories and tells me where I am at. I found that whilst earlier I used to write my diary - it was not hugely efficient as I either put in wrong amounts or did not know the kilojoules/calories for the foods and hence probably ended up counting different calories to what I was eating. On the negative side I have slacked off writing my diary and that in my life means that when I do not want to officially feel like shit for not putting in my 100% I stop writing. I think this is because I do not want to lie in my diary and so I simply do not write. I tried counting on my fingers the items that I should have eaten less of and it is easy to count. Now I know I have been a whole lot worse before. However, I also know that now since I am keenly aware now - even moreso than before, I feel shit for losing some discipline.

My husband is taking photos of me each tuesday in the same clothes and already I notice a difference. Slight but the difference is there. This week we went to dinner at a friends place and she mentioned that I had lost weight, then another friend i met also said something similar. So people have slowly been noticing but I am having a bad day today and feel a bit dishearted as I feel all this is taking forever and wonder if my body will melt little by little and if I will ever be little???? I also ended up meeting a friend who has lost 50 odd kilos and looks like a million dollars now although she made it sound pretty easy and said that all that worked for her was positive reinforcement and she kept telling herself each time she lost weight that she was better at 115 kilos than she had been at 120 kilos. Although I dont think this would work for me, I did come away thinking I needed to give myself more credit than I do.

This weekend my husband and I went cycling to Ballarat. It was cold as..brrrrr...but then once we started cycling along the track it got better as we warmed up. Then halfway through we also shared a lovely romantic moment where we took refuge in a shelter from the rain. Here we shared a blueberry muffin (in days of old I would have gobbled a whole one myself alone!!). Then we rode back but as the bike track was new the rain made the track like sludge and it was really hard to cycle back. I burst into tears about 4 km short and my lovely husband offered to get the car. So I waited for him under a tree reading a book. Earlier I had slipped and scraped my calf and the rain and cold wind directly on wound stung and throbbed like mad. Another reason was that it was so hard to ride in the sludge that I felt that I disappointed myself by not completing the whole trip. I had thought that I was fitter and not completing the trip made me feel that my fitness levels had not changed and hence the disappointment with myself. The truth I know is that yes I am fitter but I am not at my peak. My husband found it "one and a half times harder" and his calves hurt the next morning. Thus with my wanting to lose 40 kilos ideally and 30 for the moment - 1.5 times harder would mean it would have made it feel for me as though I was carrying 16 extra kilos to what I was already carrying!!! So yes I have to cut myself some slack I think!!! So the rule for tomorrow is 1) cut myself some slack and 2) START WRITING THE BLOOMING FOOD DIARY AGAIN!